Once upon a time;
Once upon a time,
in a land far-far away,
Not actually a Land, A Lake,
with drizzling snow-flakes,
No no, a lake has very few water Comparatively,
There is more water, a lot - lot more.
As much as there is water in the sea, So, once again,
Once upon a time
In a SEA far far away.... Nah, even more water,
The ocean.
Whatever, there is a lot of water.
So amidst this water,
Lived a fish
I don't know what breed of fish it was.
It was a fish ok.
We call it “Fish”.
So, Fish had a Family.
No.
I should first build you up a bit. Tell you what kind of story it is.
Well,
It’s a tale of love, and hate and the ultimate goal of human ness= Revenge.
No, that’s one of the goals, its about Happiness. Yeah.
It’s a fun filled story with you message seeking people,
“The moral of the story is:”
As if I am a prophet and you are my follower.
What else?
There are characters,
All kinds of Characters,
There is this city dweller
who lives in a rented apartment, and
Has bought some land in the outskirts
of the city and now is building a house there.
He toils every day because he has no money.
There is this Farmer in a remote Nepali village
who has a small land,
And wants to try some different crop this time around
That’s Because he has quite a lot of money,
So, the Farmer has a wife;
who is sort of a Marijuana Addict,
She began smoking after her two daughters got married off are now working in Qatar.
Her Sons are in Dubai and Iraq cleaning plates for the American Army.
They send her money every month,
She's just bored out of life.
She does nothing all day but roll up a joint.
Her Husband works in the field all day,
and she stays home and smokes that Dubey.
I don't know who calls Marijuana a Dubey.
Sounds like an Indian Name :
Putting it down in a sentence: Mr. Dubey I like it when your wife wears a saree, makes her look, sooo... umm feminine.
Mr. Dubey: Really?
Unknown man who just told Mr. Dubey that his wife is hot: Yeah Man, super feminine.
Mr Dubey: I calling her now... oh PARVATI where you be huh suite-hart?
Mr. Dubey: I cannot be hearing you.
Indians have better English than Americans. They are superior Beings in every way.
It’s just that they have a lot of hair.
If it’s some consolation, the Normal Nepali's English is also Good.
It’s just our PRO-NOUN-SIA-SON; for the lot of us, a Wii is a WAI, not a WEEE.
I guess Dubey’s wife Parvati actually turns out to be this
Really hot grade school class teacher.
You know, the one every student has their first crush on.
But then after a few classes,
all the students start hating her because of her attitude.
She calls a poem a poem,
and a story a story and when a student writes something like this,
you know, like
What I am writing to you right now,
and what you are reading right now.
It would mean Disaster,
a “C” or a “D” or
even an “F” if she had a fight with her husband last night.
Deviating from the topic a lot; not cool.
Ok, getting back back back back now.
I was telling you a story about a Freegin FISH.
So, once there was a Fish.
The fish lived in a sea and had a family.
Not really, he was in a process of making a family.
He has a fish-wife.
And he has eggs that he and his wife took care of.
They planned it a lot more before taking the plunge and
must have been a hard decision to take,
your life stopping for some new beings you give life to,
I don't know I am just a story teller.
So one day, a snake falls off a boat.
So, the ocean is Indian Ocean, and thus the snake is a cobra just so that we are all clear.
I know a few breed of snakes, unlike fishes,
but I like Cobras, can relate to them easy. mmmmmm Sridevi.
So, a cobra fell off a snake Charmer's boat,
and it landed right outside Fish’s home, when he was not there.
Now the cobra would Normally eat the Fish's eggs,
Naturally.
But the cobra was well fed by the Snake charmer.
But the Cobra was trapped inside the box, and
Was living in a prison,
It turns out that the cobra is actually
very horny.
You know, all those years
being trapped in the Snake Charmer's box,
and having nothing to do all day but dance to a tune, just made him a maniac.
So, he did what any extremely sexually frustrated cobra would do.
He ended up having an affair with the Fish Wife.
So Fish, our Main PROTAGONIST comes back home,
and finds this huge snake in bed with his wife.
Angry at both, he goes out to the nearest Gun Store,
and gets himself a gun.
Then he Photocopies his citizenship card,
sits in line out of some government office,
Gets the police to approve of this,
and finally gets a license to shoot the gun.
Just so everything is legal.
But both of them had died already-
The Fish's wife and the snake.
I don't know how they died.
It must be the love making- that kissing and biting and stuff.
Well, The cobra was obviously poisonous.
So, the cobra's poison just transmitted to the fish's wife's body
and you know, the fish's wife bit back.
Whatever.
They are dead, end of their story.
Fish was distraught, you know in utter despair.
Fish threw both the dead bodies out.
Fish saw the bed sheets got angrier, and removed them too.
That was moment when the fish saw them.
Eggs: so many of them, right under the bed sheets.
Fish had once read an article on National Geographic on how to fertilize Eggs.
And this was it.
This was the process.
You place a bed sheet over the eggs and you do it over,
and that's how you make babies happen.
Fish could now understand the Fish's wife's psyche.
She wanted her off-springs to have the better hormones of the snake.
There were 500 eggs in total and not even one belonged to him.
The fish's anger brought out the worst in him.
He takes his gun out, loads bullets into the gun and starts firing away.
With loud Bang he shoots the first egg.
A fetus' brain splattered all over.
Another shot, and another and another and another.
He kept on shooting until his anger subsided.
His anger did subside.
He had destroyed about 50 eggs.
He sat down and thought about what he did.
Time healed wounds faster in this part of the world.
3 months after that incident,
The Fish was attending this conference on safe parenthood,
He meets this wonderful fish with white fins and a golden halo.
He thought she was Angelic, and Extremely Like able.
They became friends pretty fast,
and she helped him out with his eggs, took care of them,
and they got Married.
Pretty Fancy Ceremony.
So, The whole world actually got better after he knew
this Angelic, and Extremely Like able Fish.
And his eggs hatched.
Out of the 450 Eggs remaining, weather and everything permitting,
only 100 survived.
Because of his care, and, support and also the presence of
Angelic, and Extremely Like able Fish's help,
all of the eggs hatched into small fishes, except one.
One of the fish turned out to be a Snake.
But both the fishes accepted their fish and snake offspring,
they were growing them up just the same.
But one day, after all the fishes and the snake was old enough,
Fish remembered that the snake was a cobra,
and it was possible that their son too was poisonous.
So, Fish went through all the issues of National geographic ever written on cobras.
So, he finds out, that even if the cobras’ parents are poisonous,
the offspring might not be.
Sort of like AIDS.
"A Poisonous cobra can be recognized.” Said the National Geographic,
“It has fangs with Poison Glands, however the more distinguishing feature is that a Non Poisonous cobra has a red colored mole below its neck."
The fish now had a lead.
He went to his sleeping son with his torch, and checked the fangs.
There were there, he had fangs.
And now to look for the mole.
A red mole.
The Most deciding factor in his life.
He checks in the front, there was no mole.
He checks left- No mole.
He checks Right- No Mole.
He then checks the back of his neck- MOLE.
A red mole.
Fish is now officially happy.
He wakes Small non poisonous Snake up, his offspring
and hugs it tightly.
For the first time in the reptiles’ life,
the snake was hugged by his father.
Both of them were happy.
At night, when the Fish returned to his bed
he kissed his wife and the mother of his children
the Angelic, and Extremely Like able fish,
He is happy. She knows he is happy.
He tells her everything.
His wife then says "even if he was poisonous, we would have loved him just the same wouldn't we?"
The Fish thinks about it a while,
almost and hour,
He thinks about stuffs.
About the Cobra who messed up his life,
and everything.
He had grown up since the incident.
"Yeah. I guess so.”
He said after a half an hour’s interval.
Then he thought some more.
Upbringing is their part.
You grow up a child, turn it into a poison spitting cobra or a cute fish,
Its all up to you.
“Yes we would have" he replies, his conclusion of his Big thesis.
And he falls asleep.
After a while,
the wife gets up from her bed,
and flushes the red ink bottle down the toilet.
